Sunday, December 30, 2012

Time is Precious

Leather And Lace - Stevie Nicks - General Rock - Bella Donna by Stevie Nicks on Grooveshark

Hello All. I know I haven't made much progress on my blog, I don't have just tons of time to devote to it. Today I need to express myself a bit though, and I figure this is as good a place as any. That's what a personal blog is for, right? I lost my dad yesterday. Well, let me reword that...I found out I lost my dad yesterday. My little brother found him yesterday, I don't know for sure exactly what day he died. But I do know he was all alone, and that's really hard to swallow. I haven't seen my dad in 9, almost 10 months. In fact, March 5, 2012 was the last time I saw or spoke to my dad, and we didn't part on the greatest terms. I'll have to live with that the rest of my life. I can't really say for sure what I'm feeling or thinking right now, it's just too much at once. There's 3 feelings stirring around predominately enough for me to distinguish what they are...

  Denial, I keep thinking maybe it's not really true. Maybe he just fell down and knocked himself out, maybe my brother just thought he was dead. Maybe dad will wake up, they will keep him in the hospital a few days and he'll be fine.
 Overwhelming despair, I know he's gone and I wont ever have the chance to see or talk to him again. No matter how much I want to think it's not true, I know it is. I'm trying really hard to handle this, I don't think I'm doing a very good job. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't think about anything else. I've got work piled up on me and I don't give 2 shits about it. All I care about right now is the fact my dad is gone.
 Guilt, I really wish I would've made more of an effort to talk to him the past few months. I honestly only tried to call him 2 times, and I didn't let it ring more than 4 times each time I tried. Then I just quit trying. I've been feeling bad for a long time. I just really didn't know what to say over the phone, so I sent him an email a few months back. I found out later that he never got it, he got rid of his computer. I really thought I had more time, had I know this would happen I would've kept calling. I honestly didn't think that March 5 would be the last time I would ever speak to my dad. He would've been 54 January 14, I planned on calling him that day. I am such an idiot. I'm a horrible person and I deserve to feel guilty the rest of my life.Yeah, this is all on me. I was so afraid something would happen to him, I should've been there.

  This is the most significant loss I've experienced. I'm devastated, broken I guess is the best way I can describe myself right now. I've lost a lot of my relatives in recent years. When I think about my family 10 years ago, most of those people are gone now. So really the only thing I can say for sure is that Time is Precious. Don't ever take the people you love for granted. Life is so fragile, you never know when you hug someone whether or not it will be for the last time. The song at the beginning of this post, Leather and Lace, was one of my dad's favorite songs. He loved Stevie Nicks. I guess this is helping me, writing about my feelings and all. I don't know really, I just feel pretty inconsolable right now and I don't really know how to deal with it. A small part of me wants to crack open a Loko and a pint of Brandy, because that's what my dad liked to do. Another part of me wants to find things to occupy myself with but I can't concentrate on anything except the fact that my dad is gone forever. An even bigger part of me wants to go curl up on the bed and stay there. I just really don't know what to do, I think I need some kind of guidance here on this one. I wasn't prepared for this. What do I do? How am I suppose to function? I feel paralyzed, I feel lost. I guess it will get easier with time, I just don't know how I'm suppose to go back to being normal.

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